why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
