Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
