Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
