I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
