I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
