i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
