that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
