apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
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Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
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I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize