Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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