sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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