Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
