well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
