He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Randomize
