We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
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I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
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god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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