Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
All I want is dick and wine.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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