She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
