I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
