How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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