How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
