You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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