paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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