great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
