What did we do last night that was yellow?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just pee around me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.