I wish my penis had an off switch
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway