My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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