I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
