I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
