I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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