just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
