Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm passing your future prison.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
