I'm jealous of your bromance
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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