Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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