do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
