everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
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I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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