I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
