I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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