Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
