When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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