She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The beer is more important than you right now.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
