Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
