found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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