Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
