I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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