i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
