Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
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i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
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If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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