The maid of honor just puked.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
