Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
