Umm I'm too high to move.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
