My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
