im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
