just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
ttyl tear gas
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
