I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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