at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
God, I missed his penis.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
