My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
