When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
